I was my first lover.
Twenty-three years old. I never had sex before, but was always curious... but at the same time, scared to even engage. Some had ruined it for me—to “lose it” is a “rite of passage”; to “save it“ makes me “holier”—but it was always to be mine, and for myself alone.
There is no “giving”, “taking”, or “losing”—or even “saving”—because where did I even get it, in the first place? My virginity was mine alone, from the very beginning. It was my gateway to self-love. I wanted to be my “first”.
I was not going to wait for someone else to tell me what feels good or give me pleasure. This body is mine alone, for me to explore and understand, to love and hold.
Like most things I would rather figure it out on my own. So I decided to find my own pleasure by traveling across my own body. This was going to be one of my greatest discoveries.
I waited until I had the whole house to myself. Despite being alone, with no disturbances, interruptions, or suspicious activity outside, I made sure to act as a ghost in my own house. I closed and locked my bedroom door, out of habit and precaution. I closed the blinds of my window, with only the light filtering through the curtain. I silenced and hid my phone, to keep away from any kind of surveillance. Finally, I crawled into bed with the anxiousness and the anticipation of a new lover.
Laying with me was a crystal wand—smooth, cool to the touch, and having no particular anatomical shape so that it can bring less tension when one starts out on this journey for self- exploration. I placed the wand on my chest and took deep breaths. I imagined a white light coming from within my heart, transferring its energy into the wand. I set my intentions: Be not afraid of my body anymore... This world had taught me to feel disgusted, disappointed, distant of this body that has many wondrous capabilities.
Be gentle with myself... This world had conditioned me to be vigilant, guarded, in a rush, that I forget to listen to my body asking for rest and relaxation.
Be present... This world had clouded my mind with worries, fears, distractions, that I had not made time for myself to listen to what my body needs and wants, for my own survival and living.
I imagined the white light expanding into a protective circle, surrounding my sacred space in the form of my bed, and only myself and my wand occupy the space.
I was ready.
My hands followed the curvatures of my neck, my breasts, my stomach, my waist... hesitating at first, but slowly moving to my hips, my thighs, then inward... the place I was taught to fear the most, to reserve only for “my husband” on my “wedding night“... there was no telling when or if it will happen, so I might as well be the first one to enter...
As my body became warmer with my own touch, I gently brought the wand downward, letting it slide across my skin... from my heart, to my belly, to my pelvis... and let it rest on top of my womb.
“There is nothing to fear,” said an inner voice that was both new and familiar. I knew what it meant.
Holding onto the wand, I brought it closer to my clitoris. Just one touch, and a jolt
immediately sprang up my spine! I had no idea that I could feel such a sensation! Taking
steady breaths, I moved the wand like a writing tool, to gently stroke the area...
Moans and whimpers crept up from my throat, as if the Womxn within me had waited for her escape from the dark cave she was forced to stay in. As movements gradually grew in pace and in pressure, the Womxn swam around the rose-colored pools of my self-desire, bathing in its floral essence as I became entranced with this new feeling.
I found myself drowning in the pulsations and motions that brought me into a place that I could only describe as “encagement”—I could not and did not want to escape from this cramped corner of pleasure that I was experiencing.
And there it was—my first orgasm.
I brought the wand to my chest, catching my breath, and said thank you for sharing this moment with me. That was the beginning of my journey into self-love. To recognize my own scent, to understand my boundaries and permissions, to give myself allowance to feel. Through this process, I will come to lose the fears that kept me from intimacy and sanctuary. But I was happy to be my first Lover.
Mari Losan (she/her) states, "This is a non-fiction piece about self-love through self-pleasure."
Originally published in October 2019.