Nani Dominguez (she/her) is a Fil-Am blogger from the Bay Area. You can find her blog at Notes by Nani.
Anxiety for me is constant constraint. I’m always in a rush, always out of time - as if someone is waiting on me to come to their rescue. It's this overwhelming and unforgiving pressure that consumes me whenever I'm visible to the outside world - whether I'm having a conversation with someone, working, running errands, driving, or having to make decisions swiftly - no matter how small or large. It's this immense fear of failure and inadequacy – like whatever I do or say is going to be wrong or not enough. It's a reflexive choice I make to avoid confrontation at all times. It's a judgment I pass on myself that I’m always blowing things out of proportion and that my thoughts/feelings aren’t valid. It's a belief that I am not worthy of love, happiness or success – a prison I lock myself in and seem to have thrown away the key. It is an inability to let go of attachments, to both people and experiences.
My parents divorced when I was three or four, so I grew up in two polar-opposite households. My dad’s family is Filipino-American and my mom’s is Russian-American (we lacked any knowledge for our Russian history/identity, so traditionally speaking, just American). My Filipino side was your typical Fil-Am family; you either fall in line with the social norms & expectations or you get made fun of. I’ve had an insecurity of being different (having what others deemed to be a privilege - a white mom who was independent and successful, white skin and light features, getting to attend private schools, and being extra sensitive/seemingly sheltered) since before I could even identify what an insecurity was. If you show vulnerability in my family you're considered weak, and picked on for it. We had an incredibly close and tight-knit dynamic when we were kids, but the hiya has always been real af.
Because of this I sometimes feel I may have subconsciously rejected my mom’s side of my family. I didn’t feel good enough for them either. I was always the outkast that listened to rap music, was always hung up on some up-to-no-good guy, and not concerned enough with achieving success in school/furthering my education. I felt alienated from all angles. I didn’t feel comfortable expressing my discomforts on either side with anyone, including myself. I blamed myself for everything that happened around me and learned to sweep my emotions under the rug to hide them, thinking they would eventually go away. I robbed myself of my right to have my own opinions and was deathly afraid to of being rejected or told “no”. I learned to master the art of obsequiousness, which I've fully embodied since and is the biggest tool I've used to navigate through life thus far.
I'm just now starting to realize the enormity of the damage this has caused to my well being. In the past couple years, the effects have become painstakingly apparent and impossible to ignore any longer. I’ve had my fair share of failed love-relationships and tarnished connections with some of my closest family members that have caused significant consequential fallout. I’ve had to pay for the repercussions of my short temper and sudden/dismantling anger outbursts. My emotional pain has now manifested itself in physical form, causing a lahar of health issues I have yet to resolve. I'm experiencing a throbbing identity crisis where I'm questioning who I am, what I want out of life, what I was put on this earth to do and how I add value to the lives of those around me. I haven’t been able to hold a job for longer than a year which has caused me immense instability both financially and in my career path. My social anxiety is now worse than it’s ever been before.
When I first started smoking, I only tried it in rare social settings throughout my high school years. I claimed I never really felt the effects and that it just wasn’t for me. It wasn’t until I started to experiment with it by myself as an adult that I realized what magic and healing it could bring to my life. It’s helped evolve my relationship with myself in ways that I otherwise don't believe would have been possible.
It forces me to face my fears and process my emotions. It gives me the ability to separate myself from what I’m feeling or thinking in the moment and put things into perspective. It helps me to understand and have patience with myself. It helps me to change my view of my extreme emotions and ability to feel deeply as poetic rather than dramatic. It teaches me to transform my pain into productivity; to reclaim the Walang Hiya rooted in me that makes me ashamed of my vulnerability and want to hide it; instead acknowledging and building on it as one of my biggest strengths.
It has helped me discover my Kapwa with other Filipinas outside of my own family who share my insecurities and experience. It shows me the importance of nurturing my relationship with myself before trying to take care of anybody else. It allows me to be able to own my original thoughts and inclinations, and to look inside myself for answers rather than seeking external validation. It gives me the courage to speak up rather than continue to submit. It's opened my mind to new possibilities and widened my perspective in order to find creative and unconventional ways to solve problems; seeing each failed attempt/disappointment not as negative but as an opportunity to grow – a recurrent necessity to anyone’s journey.
Ever since I got a taste of this elevated (in every sense of the word) experience, weed has quickly become an essential part of my daily routine and a permanent part of my life. In a world where mental health is just recently starting to be recognized as “real” and important, it has been my most intimate support when I feel invisible and silenced by my insecurities. It is the ONLY way I have been able to teach myself how to deal with my anxiety and make sense of the madness that goes on inside my head.
I’m still trying to discover who I am at my core and what my purpose is in life, but for now I’ve set a small goal of sharing my experience through this blog and through Edibleelementsonline – a brand my best friend and I have created in order to help other women like us that might be able to relate.
Nani's Contact Info:
Insta:@notesbynani
Nani’s brand:@edibleelementsonline
Original post on Nani's blog here. Originally published on the collective in September 2019.