Ilongg-lish by CJ Andrea

My beginnings consist of my mother’s pockets

filled with 200 dollars, of an airplane seatbelt

buckled by my father saying,

“Shh, anak, magkita kita si mama soon.”

My foundations are laid out to

show my dad’s favorite pinoy barbecue restaurant

in milpitas, ca,

and a goldilocks on hostetter road often visited by my mother.

I bear witness to what was built upon

these strongholds. These anchors that

ask my parents “Kamusta, pare.” and told them “Halong ka, day.”

I hold testimony to graveyard shifts

and burnt out hearts.

to unsaid apologies and unspoken pride.

I embody change. opportunity. My mother gave birth to more

than just her children. My father raised his

own mother’s wildest dreams.

Starting in cj andrea and jeznie, finished off with a 

sumadia molo. Names handcrafted, pieced together with and

by their love— enduring. inescapable.

My existence is resilient. I can feel my ancestors guide my hand as

I write of farmlands and rice patties and

a lolo who sold roasted peanuts.

My dad tells me that my lolo once danced

with me in his arms and I believe

that was my first lesson of

where home is. I’ve been trying to

learn this since

I was two. And I still

don’t know where home is.

You see, I am filipino through both blood

and birth place

and yet, my first memory of my birth place is

a visit.

My home is

my favorite destination spot.

I am both citizen and tourist.

I am a native and a foreigner.

I am filipino. and i am american.

How can you speak ilonggo but not tagalog?

How can you be born with your

grandmother’s tired eyes but have hands softer

than her hair?

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In this poem, CJ Andrea (they/them) details not only their beginnings and hxstory, but their family’s. Though not submitted for the October theme, this piece definitely fits it as it is a piece about looking back from where you came from. This is such an important thing I encourage those in the diaspora to do: like our national hero Rizal said, “He who does not know how to look back at where he came from, will never reach his destination.” Know history, know self, kasamas! 

CJ’s Contact Info:

Insta: @ceej.pdf

Twitter: @moloficent

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Originally published in April 2020.