Sometimes it’s so hard for me to remember it’s you
So soft warm gentle comforting
When you’re surrounded by other people all of those get clouded over
For popular, intimidating, unapproachable,
don’t even think about it, intimidating,
I want to hide
I want to hide
I...never thought I’d feel like hiding from you
Not cause you’re scary or anything
but because the prospect of you is scary and I need breathing room
so I can steady myself so I’m not in front of you unprepared
and with nothing to say or even worse something lame
I forget that I’ve said plenty of things to you that
I was embarrassed to say at the time and you took it in stride
I forget that I basically told you my life story
the first time I met you because I felt comfortable doing so
I forget that something about you made me want to confide in you
three times through letters that revealed the real me
I forget that after I cried in front of you twice,
you showed me who you really were and
each time I vowed not to be afraid of you anymore and to relax more but
each time I forget
You’re known as the one who hypes people up
in a gentle, comforting, encouraging manner
That’s why when I do get the courage to talk to you or
you just end up in front of me somehow,
I always end up smiling more
or revealing a lot more than I should
or being way too excited or loud
or standing up from a chair too quickly so I could stand like you
or opening the door too abruptly once I see it’s you through the glass,
accidentally slamming someone’s hand
because I can’t wait for us to be
in the same room
again.
Even writing this I can’t help but smile and
I don’t know if you being on a webcam instead of right in front of me
put you at a more comfortable distance so I felt braver saying more
And the fact that we weren’t able to make eye contact...normally I like when we do
but tonight maybe it was good that we weren’t
I’m not even mad that your name was on the event for today
and you weren’t there in person
And didn’t think ahead to say “I’m going to be out of town that day”
Because your leadership skills and authoritativeness shined through
even with the dim reddish lighting of the backseat of a car
surrounded by your mostly silent and supportive buddies
And “honestly I was surprised we were able to connect on this call at all”
cracked me up like wow you could be funny when...
Say it...
When I’m not scared of you
Evangelyn says, "This poem, called Scared, is about how, when you have feelings for someone, sometimes all that they mean to you and what you see in them cloud your vision so much that it's hard for you to not get nervous and be yourself around them.
Evangelyn Rachel (she/her) is a writer, spoken word artist, actress, and singer. She aims to build people from marginalized communities up and raise awareness of important issues in her work. Contact info:
Insta: @evangelynrachel