“Mom, can I play outside today?”
“Anak, no. you’re just gonna get darker. You’re already so itim na.”
Before I embraced my brown skin
I fell under the intergenerational trap
Of the contagious
colonial mentality
that told us filipinos
we should not be proud of our tan or brown skin
that brown means inferior and dirty-looking
Like the mud on the ground when a typhoon strikes the island
Before I embraced my brown skin
They told me to use whitening soap
So my skin could be more fair
like actresses on Tagalog soap operas
I started to use whitening cleansers at a very early age
Guaranteed to make me look as gorgeous as the woman on the label,
Soft and white, like the inside of a coconut
The Eskinol would sting on my face
But it felt like I was cleansing away the impurities
of my 8 year old skin
That was my melanin
My heredity
my cultural identity
the distorted beauty standards
that tell us
we need to look like the colonizer
In order to be accepted
by society
seeing all the actors in Filipino mainstream media
with their fair, light skin and Spanish noses
Yet stick their noses up
when it comes to representing our signature brown skin
Before I embraced my brown skin
They taught me to not be proud
Of the skin that I’m in
Grew up going to the beach
hoping my skin wouldn’t get any darker
with all my SPF 50 sunscreen
We need to go Quarantine!
the colonial disease
that tells filipinos that we should look whiter
like them paintings of Jesus or Mary Magdalene
Little did I know, lotta white people wish they had my color,
like them kardashian icons
Laying in the sun
hoping for a little bronze
Spending money to go to tanning salons
To achieve their own golden standard of beauty
little did I know
how much I can actually glow
sweeter than crispy turon
Fresher than fried lumpia rolls
and as tender
as chicken adobo
Before I embraced being morena
why did I not learn to love my brown skin?
And appreciate the hard work of my own melanin?
The media isn’t fair, but neither is my own skin.
Destroy the colonial mindset
embrace your roots and be tough
& Don’t let them tell you
that your skin
isn’t fair enough
Camilla's Contact Info:
Insta: @camilla.cat
Originally published October 2019.